Everyone Is Not

by Karen Platt

My daughter told me that she heard from a friend that 95 per cent of 17-year-olds have had sex. That sounds very high to me and I’d like to provide her with accurate stats. She and her friends are 13 and are talking a lot on MSN about who will be the first to get laid—yikes! Can you tell me some websites that have info on teen sexuality?

Yikes, indeed. The manner in which information passes amongst kids is reminiscent of that old game of telephone: someone makes up a sentence and whispers it into the ear of the next person who whispers what he heard to the next person and so on. What emerges at the end is often vastly different than the original sentence in ways that cause great hilarity among the participants.

Unfortunately, the critical difference between the game of telephone and the obtaining and passing on of information about sexuality is not funny; kids often start out with erroneous information that only gets more exaggerated and incorrect as it spreads. Let me assure you, your daughter and her friends that, hyperbole notwithstanding, 95 per cent of 17-year-olds are not “getting laid.” Breathe easy. Wherever that information came from—methinks it may have been a very misinformed and/or hopeful teenager—it is woefully inaccurate.

According to Sexual Health in Canada: Baseline 2007, a report from the Canadian Federation for Sexual Health, since 1989, youth are becoming sexually active at older ages than previous generations. The mean age for a teen’s first experience of sexual intercourse now appears to be about 16.5 years. The 2003 Canadian Community Health Survey showed that fewer than 50 per cent of respondents between 15 and 17 had had intercourse; while that jumps to 65 per cent of 18- to 19-year-olds, it’s still a far cry from 95 per cent.

I bore you with stats because I think it’s really important for youth to know that not only is everyone not doing it, at 17 it’s possible that more people aren’t than are—despite rumours to the contrary. My cynical theory has always been that the more people talk about having “done it,” the less likely they are to have actually done IT. Kids need to hear that it is both very normal and very cool not to be sexually active in middle and high school. And yes, that’s true for boys as well as girls. It’s also normal for teens to, shall we say, pad the truth.

And speaking of what kids need to hear, it’s never too early to share your values with your children about sex (please note that, if you are planning to be effective, sharing does not mean lecturing). Children observe parents, guardians, siblings, peers and other significant (or insignificant) people very closely for cues and clues to behaviour. Some kids will adopt parental beliefs and values right down the line; others will reject everything out of hand. The vast majority, however, will grow into healthy adulthood observing us and questioning us, taking on what fits and tossing out what doesn’t.

If you think sex is only okay after marriage, say so, with an explanation of why. If marriage is less important to you than the hope that your child will wait until she finds someone she loves before becoming sexually intimate, say that too. If you think 15 or 17 is too young, tell her. Tell her why. And listen. The point isn’t for her to automatically embrace your morality as her own; she may or may not. All we can do is give our children things to think about, ideas they can grapple with as they develop their own set of values.

And, it’s a good idea to make sure your actions match your words. Kids are masters at calling us on our hypocrisy or inconsistency. Are you modelling the behaviour you hope your child will adopt? Or do you have a story from your youth that may be instructional? Of course, boundaries are important—our children do not need to know the intimate details of our sex lives, but our experience can be a powerful teaching tool.

There are many great sites about sexual health for teens and parents on the web. You can find links here on our web site.

Karen Platt, MA, is a sexual health educator who works with parents and youth. She is currently completing post-graduate studies in Sexual Health. Send questions to karen@islandparent.ca.