Mother’s Day, without her

by Monica on May 6, 2010 · 5 comments

On a daily basis, I think of her. Sometimes it’s as if she hasn’t been gone for the past 7 months and my mind defaults to my 35-year-long habit – that she’s always there for me, just a phone call away. It’s always the same thing, something exciting will happen in my life or Lucas will do something brilliant and I go to pick up the phone only to remember, ‘oh … yeah‘. I have no idea how long this odd phenomenon will continue, my mind forgetting that she’s not here anymore.

Mother’s Day is fast approaching and it will be my first one without her. It kind of takes your breath away to even say it, if only for the fact that things feel drastically different now. How odd it feels to not be making plans to do something nice for her, to go out and buy her a gift or make her a card. I suppose this is where one would expect me to be sad, I’m supposed to miss her and cry and feel left out of the whole Mother’s Day ritual and goings-on (despite this day being about ME too, of course!). But surprisingly enough, I don’t. Something new has come about, something I didn’t expect.

I think often about her life, as my Mother, and I make comparisons to myself. I find myself thinking about all the things she did when my brother and I were growing up, things that made our childhood so rich and memorable. Everything from specific things she used to bake or make for dinner to the efforts she made to become friends with the other Mom’s at my school, arranging playdates and forging what would later become lifelong family friendships. And it is now – just finally now – in her death and remembrance on Mother’s Day, that I realize just how much I want to be like her. My memories of her have become my ‘Handbook to Being the Mother You Always Dreamed Of’.  (Oh Mom, if you’re out there, I really hope you can read this blog. I know how shocked you would be to read this confession).

So this Mother’s Day, and every single one of them to come in the future, I will think of her and all that she offered as a role model over the 35 years of our life together. You see, she may no longer be here in front of my eyes or on the other end of the phone, but she is still here in my mind.

I am not sad this Mother’s Day. I am grateful.

I would love to hear from those of you who are also celebrating Mother’s Day this year without your Mom. How does this special day make you feel? What do you do to celebrate your Mom on Mother’s Day?

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Eleanor May 6, 2010 at 5:53 pm

Thanks for this honest post. I still have my mum but I am sure that like many of us, this takes me to a place, a day when I might not anymore and I hope that I can cope with the grace and gratitude that you have.

CAORBUST May 7, 2010 at 12:27 am

Wow, what strength you have. I still have my mother as well but I hope that I will have your strength when it’s needed. Your mother sounds like a she was a wonder person and you were very lucky to have her 🙂

Happy Mother’s Day!

momoftwins May 7, 2010 at 10:17 am

It is a day of sadness and one of gratefulness for me.I still miss my mom after 15 years but I know I can always call on her when I need her whether she knows it or not it is still a comfort.My daughter looks so much like her and has some of her traits.I am glad this day is also about ME 😉

Alison May 7, 2010 at 4:48 pm

something tells me your Mother would be so proud to call you daughter. You are truly amazing in with which the grace you have… and that in itself Is probably the BEST mothers day gift she could have ever asked for. 🙂

Laurelle May 13, 2010 at 12:13 pm

Hi Monica,

I also lost my mother last year around Mother’s Day and I wondered how I would cope when that special day came rolling around again this year – but without her. I am expecting my first any day now, and luckily the anticipation of baby coming was enough to keep the family positive and distracted over Mother’s Day.

I can relate to many of the things you’ve mentioned in your blog. I also look forward to recreating many of the memories I shared with my mom when my little one comes into this world.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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