He is Not His Own Person Yet

by Ma Thoughts on June 24, 2010 · 0 comments

He does not feel totally separate from me. He is nine weeks old. More now than before. When I first realized this I felt like that was bad, like I should honor and respect him as his own unique person and who was I anyhow? But the ease I felt with him was like the ease that I have with my own arm, my own elbow. And I was not sure if anyone felt like that. Or that I should.

I cautiously confided this in a girlfriend who has a six year old (five?). She looked down with her beautiful thoughtful honest blue eyes at the floor when I said it. She paused for a moment. In that second I heard my own ick-too-much-honesty-talking-shut-up-that-is-too-self-centered-shut-up-that-is-not-right. My shoulders were at my earlobes.  My jaw was clenched.

Then her eyes lit on mine, “yep. I didn’t really feel that my son was totally his own person until he was two.”

I can still hear the echo of my sign of relief in that moment. It is amazing how raw the need for validation can be sometimes. Especially from a peer mom who you respect a lot.

Two instances stick out on the road to starting to recognize and celebrate Boeuf as his own self. Oh, his name is Felix, by the way. I realize I have not mentioned that. Anyhow, back to the the two things that started the process:

One: I woke up one night and he was staring at me, two inches from my face (he starts in the cradle then comes into the bed later) and I was stunned, weirded out and transfixed all at once.


Two: I was changing his diaper last week and noticed that his penis smelled like a penis. Not like blanket sweet clean bebe smell. His mini junk smelled like junk.

And so, the Boeuf is coming into his perfect little human self.

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