On a Different Level

by Ryann McQuarrie-Salik

“Mommy, will everybody die from cancer?”

“Mommy, will everybody get murdered?”

“Mommy, why is that bunny sleeping on the road?”

So many questions, such a little car!

We cancelled cable last year and I do not miss it. I was raised on TV to no visible benefit: my most passionate childhood wish was for that silly rabbit to finally get some Trix. Sad on so many levels, so now I choose to protect my children from the televised portion of society’s relentless media soaking. Turns out, I’m really not as cruel I might sound—it didn’t take us long to discover we still receive 10+ channels for free, including the almighty and virtually commercial-free Treehouse (don’t tell Shaw). Also, my spouse and I download the shows we really love (don’t tell the government). But alas, eliminating TV violence from our home did not save me from the ever-inquiring mind of the six-year-old. Radio news clips, an unfortunate rash of illness in our extended family and the ballooning bunny population at the University of Victoria has made death the hot topic in our home (and car) over the past two months. Since the characters in TV’s “In the Night Garden” don’t touch on mortality too often, it’s up to me to introduce my children to the circle of life.

Death is a difficult concept for most people. It is natural to experience feelings of fear, anger, sadness and uncertainty when thinking about the mortality of those we love. Children look to the adults around them to inform their perceptions about death. How you answer your kids’ questions about life and death can significantly impact how they deal with loss for the rest of their lives. Feeling pressure yet? Luckily our friends the psychological theorists have done extensive research into the minds of young children and offer insight into how kids instinctively perceive death and loss. This knowledge can help us, as parents, facilitate our children’s introduction to the wonders of life.

Like most people, children tend to dislike uncertainty. Kids seem to need everything to have an answer—as if you didn’t notice that while explaining “Why?” 1,238 times during the course of an average day. As a small child, I remember assuming my family was in grave danger the moment we rolled off the ferry and drove into Vancouver. Receiving the majority of our news from Vancouver-based TV and radio stations gave me the impression that every murder, mugging and evil act in general was performed in beautiful Vancouver, B.C.

Young children are often unable to process adult concepts on their own. As parents, we need to be there to qualify the news reports and offer reassurance and explanation. If we let kids digest what they hear in the media on their own, we may be surprised when, for example, our seven year-old refuses to board the ferry next Spring Break. I know my parents were.  Fortunately, children are innately curious beings and will generally provide us with many opportunities to answer their questions if we take the time to listen.

As a parent, you don’t have to enter this arena alone. There are countless resources available to aid you on your quest for a well-adjusted child. One excellent book that I discovered to accompany my family’s conversations about life and death is I Saw a Dead Bird by Jan Thornhill. Aimed at school-aged children, this book is full of vivid colours, tastefully graphic photos, diagrams and illustrations, and is peppered with easy to digest snippets of information sure to get your kids talking. My son especially appreciates a section that begs the question “What would happen if flies never died?” It’s fun to pontificate about the potential pile-up of creatures great and small and this exercise makes it easy for kids to grasp why it is essential to the planet that every living creature dies. The best thing about this book is that it offers no philosophical opinion about death. Thornhill’s “just the facts” approach leaves it up to you to fill in the blanks with your own cultural, religious or spiritual beliefs.

Regarding spirituality, young children have an enormous capacity for believing in the unseen, a very useful tool for helping them become more comfortable with the idea of death. My grandpa passed away when my oldest son was just 13 months old. Although not in the least bit religious, I was compelled to find some way to keep the man who had been so influential in my development close by. My grandpa had an intimate relationship with nature, so it was only natural that when he passed away, I began to feel his presence outdoors and then, more specifically, in ravens. Whenever I see a raven or crow (which, in this town, is often) I always say a little something to my Grandpa Mac, a habit my son has also acquired. The idea that those we lose always leave something behind is very comforting. While children will find it difficult to understand the more subtle ways that the people (or pets) we love become part of us, choosing a concrete symbol of remembrance might make it easier for kids to appreciate the continuing impact loved ones have on our lives.

Although I encourage my son to think about an essence that all living things possess, a spirit that lives beyond our bodies, I couldn’t help but notice he was becoming a little too gung ho on the concept. Balancing precariously on a ledge by the sea wall one day, my son noticed the abject terror on my face. He assured me I had no need to fret because I will always have his spirit. Yeah, not good enough, I told him. This episode further illustrates the necessity for adults to help shape the perceptions their children are forming. Part of learning about death is learning about the value of life. Engaging your children in open and honest conversations, even in the context of fantasy and play, is key for instilling in them a sense of empathy and an appreciation for all life.

A phenomenon you may notice in these conversations is that young children tend to be incredibly self-centred. Between two and seven years of age, children believe that everything in the world directly relates to them and that everyone sees the world exactly as they do. At this age, kids cannot differentiate between thoughts and deeds and truly believe they can control events by sheer will. Classified by psychologist Jean Piaget as the pre-operational stage, this egocentric phase is a natural part of growing up. Children in this stage of development often make seemingly illogical leaps in reason to explain things they do not understand. Case studies of children who have undergone significant loss at this stage reveal the tremendous sense of responsibility kids take for those they love. One five-year-old admitted he believed his mother was killed in a car accident because he once wished he had different parents. Parents need to find that delicate balance between fostering their children’s growing sense of control and independence and easing their burden of responsibility in this uncertain world. A serious task, but then so is being a parent.

In any relationship, communication is key. Loss and death are heavy topics and kids need orientation to develop a healthy understanding of the life cycle. Being accessible to our children is half the battle, so get on the floor, be a princess, be a dinosaur and always be ready to talk and listen.

Ryann McQuarrie-Salik is a freelance writer and soon-to-be mother of three. She is currently completing her BEd at UVic and hopes to use her students as writing fodder for years to come.