Talk About It

by Karen Platt

I have a five-year-old son and a seven-year-old daughter. My husband and I are pretty much on the same page about how we raise the kids but when it comes to sex we might as well be on different planets. He says the kids are still too young, that they will ask when they want to know and that the sex talk is my job, not his, especially when it comes to my daughter. I think both of us should talk about sex to both kids. I also don’t think it’s a good idea to wait for them to ask. Who’s right?

The beauty and challenge of relationships is that, by definition, they involve more than one person. And it’s funny that despite marriage, children, common families, finances, friends and everything else, our thoughts and values can remain diametrically opposed to our partner’s. After all, we enter a relationship with a lifetime of learning behind us and it’s likely very different learning than our partner had; I often think it’s amazing that relationships ever work at all. The good news is that it sounds like you are pretty compatible on lots of things and hopefully you can reach a good meeting place on this topic.

I am a proponent of talk early and talk often. I don’t mean sit down and lecture your children on a weekly basis about some aspect of the birds and the bees but rather, use casual facts, questions, body language and observations that relate not just information but an attitude that says to your kids “this subject is open for discussion; you can talk to me.” One of my great sex education moments was a totally spontaneous “You know, some guys worry that their penis is shrinking when it’s actually just that their testicles grow first.” I don’t remember what triggered the remark (I assume it was something) but I do remember it was while my then nine-year-old stepson was building Capsela robots in bed with his dad. Before breakfast. And, while they were both pretty into making the robot’s eyes flash, it actually led to a short but valuable discussion on puberty changes. He still remembers it.

So why isn’t waiting until the children ask an ideal option? Let me first assure you that your husband is not alone in his reluctance to approach the subject of sex with his children. There are many parents of both genders who would rather face an audit with Revenue Canada than discuss testicles, masturbation or how a baby gets “in there” with their children. Thus, the idea of waiting—the “when they’re ready, they will ask” approach to sexual health. But what if they don’t? I know a mom who is still waiting for her 14-year-old to ask. Really. And that is just not fair.

There is nothing in the literature anywhere, or in any parent’s experience that I know of, that shows talking about sexual health and development will “corrupt” an innocent child or make her want to go out and experiment. In fact, just the opposite has been proven true­—over and over again. Kids need age-appropriate information about their bodies, feelings, actions and desires to help them make decisions that will respect themselves and others. Ideally, this information comes from parents—both parents.

I know, it’s hard enough to talk with a child of the same gender about parts you have in common. But the thing about sharing the responsibility is that it is doing just that—teaching kids that sex is a shared responsibility and it’s important that boys know about girls and vice versa. You don’t have to know it all. Perhaps this is where a few good books (for a list, see www.islandparent.ca) can help a reluctant father (or mother) break through his discomfort. He might even learn something. In order to help kids be sexually healthy, parents need to grow up, face their own discomfort and become sexually healthy themselves. Talking to your kids is a mature thing to do. And believe it or not, it can be fun.

In this world, your children are getting an education in sexuality whether you give it to them or not. Kids are exposed to sexual images and messages from the time they are born. Perhaps the most important thing for your husband to understand is that not talking is not the same as not teaching—silence gives a powerful message.

Karen Platt, MA, is a writer and sexual health educator. Send questions to karen@islandparent.ca.