What, Me Worry?

by Alan Poole

I’m a dad and I’ve been sleep deprived for about 17 years, mostly because of my tendency towards compulsive worrying. I’ve been worried about my kids since before they were born: the right pre-natal diet, birth method, diapers, breast feeding (not my department but I still worried), family bed, will they learn to walk, talk, read, write, figure out how to use their cell phone (oh wait, that’s me), have a friend, have different friends, pass kindergarten, pass wind, not pass wind at the table (oops, me again). It’s all had a hand in keeping me awake during the wee hours.

I try to catch up on my sleep at work, but my boss keeps finding me things to do that require my eyes to be open. And as for driving, who knew that cruise control is not the same as auto-pilot? I did find some relief, though, last month when the whole family went camping and I had four glorious nights of sleep. I had no idea that with sunshine, fresh air and exercise, and without junk food, cell phones, computers, Xbox and television, teenagers will actually sleep when it’s dark and get up within a couple of hours of sunrise.

I think one of the reasons we encourage our kids to sleep is because when they’re in bed we can stop worrying because we know they’re relatively safe—unless of course that giant stuffy in bed with them turns out to be the kid down the street who’s supposed to be home in his own bed.

Anyway, I apologize to all of you fellow worriers who grow more anxious with every example of mine that you may not yet have thought of yourself. I could go on and on, you know I could, but instead I’ll offer a solution. Here’s the plan: First you take parenting courses, over and over, whatever good ones you can find, and then in your spare time you take courses in advanced listening, conflict resolution, and nonviolent communication.

When none of those things ease your anxiety, go back to school and get a Masters degree in Leadership. This will keep you busy for another couple of years but unfortunately, still won’t get the worry monkey off your back. It will actually make things worse because you will learn a bunch of new, more complex things to worry about: What am I doing and what have I done? As parent educator and writer Stephen Covey suggests, and I’ll paraphrase, I’ve climbed the ladder of learning to discover I put the ladder up against the wrong wall.

My worries don’t come from my problems, a lack of commitment, a lack of knowledge, or a lack of intelligence, although some would debate me on that. My worries come from my expectations. Which reminds me of a quote by Sydney Harris: “When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’” The fact is, while we agonize over what to feed our children, a much larger percentage of parents on our planet agonize over whether they can feed their children at all.

Somehow I’ve expected parenting to be easy and every time I bump up against the reality that it’s difficult, I’m thrown into a lather of sleeplessness, guilt, worry and self-doubt. Give me a break! I’m not that special that parenting was made difficult just for me in order to make me a better person. I’m guessing it may be difficult for a lot of other people out there. So, let’s take a deep breath and face up to some simple truths:

1. You survived your parents’ parenting.

2. You already know more than your parents did about parenting.

3. Your children will survive your parenting.

4. Your child is not an obstacle or a means to your ends.

5. You can afford to lighten up and enjoy the precious time you have with your kids—as parents whose kids are older repeatedly tell me.

6. No matter how good a parent you are your child will eventually come to believe both of you need counseling.

Alan Poole is the father of two fabulous teens, a writer, parent educator and sports conditioning coach. With the sponsorship of LIFE Seminars, he recently completed a post-graduate study of extraordinary fathers.