Talk it out? Really? When you are six or eight or 40?
Many adults don’t know how to talk out issues effectively! So how do we support our kids when they struggle with peers? It’s hard being a kid at school. You are surrounded by a bunch of egocentric, immature, ummm…kids.
It’s a given that children will feel left out, hurt by teasing and embarrassed by taunting. When they go to seek help, they get different messages. One parent might say, “Fight back.” Another parent might feel sorry for their child but offer no skills. Some take over the problem and call the school, the friend’s parents or talk to the friend directly which can make matters worse. Then, there are the well-meaning mediators who get the kids together and force an apology.
How confusing. Be your child’s emotion coach.
What to do:
1. Listen to your child first with empathy (not sympathy) and reflect feelings and needs. Be supportive, safe to talk to, soothing and understanding.
2. Ask your child to describe a couple of scenarios that typically happen at school.
3. Teach snappy comebacks, which is saying something funny that doesn’t put the other person down. It might sound like, “Hey stupid.” Snappy comeback: “I’ve been working on my stupid skills, and I think they are improving.”
4. Practice body language. What does passive body language look like? What about aggressive? Now, what does confident body language look like? If your child decides to walk away, get them to practice doing that with confidence. A game face comes in handy at the right times.
5. Take turns playing different roles with your child. Get them to play another child, a teacher, a parent. You can play your child or the friend. Practice, practice, practice while having a bit of fun. This will give them the tools they need in the moment.
6. If they need to tell someone, they can use a polite threat. “I’d hate to tell our teacher about this. I’d prefer you just stop what you are doing. Okay?”
7. Keep it simple. These skills need to be accessed during difficult exchanges.
8. Use strong and clear body language behind a good I-Statement. “It’s not okay to pull my coat. Please stop now.”
Empower your child with relationship skills and the schoolground may be a little more enjoyable.
