KIV Community

Support issues. Am I crazy?!

Friendly discussion on all issues related to parenting. Stories, experiences, alternatives, tips and support. This is a place to share ideas with other parents on the tough job of raising kids.

Moderators: Keeper, Sue, Glowingtouch, kattnipp

 

Support issues. Am I crazy?!

Postby Strong_Mama on Sat Aug 18, 2012 10:14 am

So my DS's Dad and I are not together. He lives in Ontario and sees DS once or twice a year. I get my child support and spousal support garnished from his wages.
Im having a really hard time getting anything else out of him though. In our separation agreement, he is supposed to be paying alternate months of preschool and half of whatever expenses come up in terms of DS's care and needs. He paid maybe one or two months of preschool and then stopped. I took over and thought "whatever". Never went after him for it as it always turned into a fight. He never contributes to anything DS is in to. Recently DS had a dental procedure which cost me $300 (had to borrow it, as I didnt have the money). He said he would pay for half and now refuses to give me anything. And with DS starting school I am needing to buy him school supplies and shoes and whatever else DS may need. He refuses to help out at all, even though our separation agreement says he is supposed to. I am a single mother, and making ends meet each month is a struggle. Back to school is putting a lot of strain on me as DS has had quite the growth spurt and needs new everything. My Mom is having to help me and it kills me that I cant do it without her.

Am I wrong to feel like DS's Dad should be helping me out with this stuff?! I know I get child and spousal which is more then a lot of people get, but he makes a lot of money. Is it wrong of me to be infuriated with him for refusing to give any money towards expenses? He is not there emotionally at all either. Never phones, never skypes. We are in Ontrario visiting and I took a month off work to be here. I asked him to buy DS a new pair of shoes for school and was mad at me for even asking. Said he gives me money every month so he doesnt have to do anything else. Its my problem, not his. He doesnt give two $h!ts that his son has everything he needs and deserves. He claims he has no money, but is constantly going to the movies, eating out, having drinks with friends. I cant even remember the last time I got to do any of that without financial strain.

Just needed to vent and see if I really am as crazy as he says I am for asking him to contribute all this stuff.
Strong_Mama
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 1248
Joined: Sat Apr 21, 2007 11:04 pm
Location: Westshore
Region:

Re: Support issues. Am I crazy?!

Postby Samandemma on Sat Aug 18, 2012 9:20 pm

I'm sorry that you are not able to receive more support financially and emotionally from your DS's father.
Some thoughts re school supplies: The Single Parent Resource Centre (on Gorge Rd) is a helpful resource for support and various supplies, including school supplies and clothing.
The Mustard Seed also has an annual school supply drive and one can acquire school supplies for their child.
I know this does not address the issue of having your DS's father supporting his care and financial needs, but hope this may be of some help.
Your strength in loving and raising your child is so important to your DS!
Samandemma
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 3917
Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 8:07 pm
Location: Colwood
Region:

Re: Support issues. Am I crazy?!

Postby VicStepmom on Sun Aug 19, 2012 10:56 am

He pays child and spousal support - I assume according to the guidelines, and from what you say "he makes a lot of money" - the guidelines are based on income, not need (at least for child support) and should cover his share of all of the neccessary expenses (food, clothing, shelter). Extraordinary expenses are another matter and should be shared income proportionatly - again these things are defined in the guidelines. They should be truly 'extraordinary' expenses though - generally childcare for the purposes of going to work are considered 'extraordinary' - however if you aren't working this might not be seen as a neccessary and extraordinary expense and might not be covered. In terms of getting a contribution from him for other things it might be wise to give him advance notice and an opportunity to provide input on the expense rather than just expecting him to pay after the fact....in absence of giving advance notice and some kind of approval of a discretionary extrordinary expense, his contribution to it is not a foregone conclusion.

Lastly, his income level after child and spousal support may not be as high as you think it is, or he may have made other trade-offs to accommodate what you see as frivolous spending on his part (which if he's meeting his support obligations is none of your business - having had a previous relationship with him does not entitle you to monitor his spending and make demands if it seems like he can afford a better lifestyle than you). He might be renting instead of owning, not saving for retirement or paying for the lifestyle on credit.

You are entitled to fair support according to the guidelines and full and honest financial disclosure and to an income proportionate contribution to justifiable extrordinary expenses. It would be nice if he'd step up to the plate in terms of his emotional obligations to his son - but no matter how much we'd like to, you can't force the other parent to be a good parent. You can only be accountable for your own actions...and it sounds like your doing the best you can for your son even though his dad could be doing better for him - particularly on the emotional side of things. Perhaps remind his dad of the need to contribute to extrordinary expenses and give him a heads up on those expenses that are on the horizon. Keep track of your communications with him, and of the expenses incurred and let him know that you intend on getting a fair contribution from him for those things - particularly if he has no objections to the expenses being incurred in the first place. Then pursue it when it makes economic sense to do so.
User avatar
VicStepmom
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 848
Joined: Fri Jun 26, 2009 8:32 am

Re: Support issues. Am I crazy?!

Postby Max on Sun Aug 19, 2012 1:35 pm

Well, aside from the douchiness of his attitude towards his child, I kinda think you may be grasping a bit, if you are getting child AND spousal support and he makes a good income and your amounts are based on that. Sure it would be nice if he chipped in 'on top of', for shoes and such, BUT the monthly amount IS TO COVER clothing and shoes and school supplies and things that come up in an average child's upbringing. Preschool is optional, UNLESS it is used for daycare and then it is split on a prorated basis, again it would be nice if he helped out but he isn't required to, unless it is spelled out in your support agreement. And extracurriculars, are hard....my husband's ex once signed their daughter up for 4 (!) afterschool activities at once, and expected us to just cough it up - we put our foot down for that one.

He is allowed to have a life and spend his money how he pleases. He probably feels that a lot of his income isn't even his anyway, as it goes straight to you.

Curious - did he move to Ontario, or did you move with your child away from him? The distance can be a very hard thing for everyone.
Don't give a poop about a catchy sig...

~Max~
User avatar
Max
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 6589
Joined: Sat Jan 15, 2005 10:34 am
Location: the Gorge
Region:

Re: Support issues. Am I crazy?!

Postby vixx on Mon Aug 20, 2012 8:58 am

If his wages are being garnished, cann you not go the program that is doing that and have them enforce the rest of the seperation agreement payments?

Also, it really depends on exactly what your agreement says. Does it specify an exact amount? is it extremely clear in what he is to pay for?

If he is not paying as per the agreement, take your agreement to the court house and ask to speak to the lawyer on call (totally not what they are calle dbut the lawyer that is there to help you with things before going to court). If it is clear in your agreement, you can easily (although a big hassle) got to court and force him to pay. you wouldn't need representation as it is clear he is going against an order.
vixx
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 1334
Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2008 3:08 pm
Location: westshore
Region:

Re: Support issues. Am I crazy?!

Postby Sunnygirl on Wed Aug 22, 2012 6:32 am

I would think you're out of luck with shoes and school supplies - those would be covered under general support. However, I would suspect that large dental bills should be split as a special expense and definitely preschool - especially as he started paying that.
Sunnygirl
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 10533
Joined: Wed Jan 19, 2005 2:02 pm
Location: Highlands
Region:

Re: Support issues. Am I crazy?!

Postby kapoohhh on Wed Aug 22, 2012 12:01 pm

I was in the same situation years ago.. only had spousal for a year though, since I was getting good child support.
But is was my choice to put my children in Preschool... it is not an essential.
It can take awhile to realize that kids do not need much ( my kids have one dresser and not even full and I am married again and still shop second hand) and it does not always need to be new.

I think asking your ex for every little thing can push him away. You want him to be apart of your childs life. Yes I can see Dental if it is extra and above. But all the other things you said you need to realize he has to live to.

Enjoy your child and see the good that he has a father and does support him and you.... there are so many children that do not have that.
kapoohhh
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 1675
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2006 9:53 am
Location: Saanich
Region:

Re: Support issues. Am I crazy?!

Postby luckymamato2 on Fri Aug 24, 2012 9:56 pm

Yes you have a right to be angry, but unless you are on good terms with your ex, it's a waste of energy to be angry/irritated for not pitching in with the extra curricular stuff for your son. Yes, technically he should be paying half, but from his point of view he's already giving you a good chunk of his income to support his son.
I get a good monthly child support from my ex, but I don't ask for half of the extra stuff like Preschool or sports, I'd rather keep things simple and happy (he does pay his portion of daycare, we are on good terms so he didn't have any issues). I can afford to put my kids in one activity, and while my ex goes out alot, eats out and has nicer stuff than I do, it doesn't bother me. My kids are happy and have a place to live, food and clothes.
I would suggest joining the Single Parent Resource Center if you haven't already, they are fabulous and you can sign up for school supplies (might be too late for this year) and they have free bread and baked good from Thrifty's every Monday Tuesday and Thursday. The also have books, toys, clothes and shoes.
I have a friend who is having a heck of a time getting any kind of child support from her ex, and he lives in the same city (court ordered, registered with FMEP, but they aren't able to get money from him??) So at least you're getting the monthly support you need :D
User avatar
luckymamato2
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 658
Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2005 5:55 pm
Location: Westshore
Region:


 

Return to Parenting

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron

Current Issues

March 2019

Read Now >>

Island Parent Tweens & Teens 2019

Read Now >>

Family Resource Guide 2018

Read Now >>

Upcoming Events


Mar
25
Spring Break Camp
Gordon Head Middle School
Mar
25
Around the World Cooking Camp
Gordon Head Middle School
Mar
25
Badminton Smash and Splash Camp
Gordon Head Middle School
Mar
25
March 2019
SunMonTueWedThuFriSat
  1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31  
<< prev. month next month >>
Newsletter Signup

Join our Newsletter

Sign up now to start receiving the Island Parent Newsletter. It only takes a minute.

Sign up now...

Contest

Excellent Prizes!

Enter now for your chance to win some exciting prizes in our Island Parent Contest! We have new contests often, so check back regularly!