KIV Community

Need advice re girl bully in grade 2

Friendly discussion on all issues related to parenting. Stories, experiences, alternatives, tips and support. This is a place to share ideas with other parents on the tough job of raising kids.

Moderators: Keeper, Sue, Glowingtouch, kattnipp

 

Need advice re girl bully in grade 2

Postby Chantalz on Mon Jan 21, 2013 4:57 pm

My daughter changed schools last year to where her former best friend goes. They are 8.

Last year there was exclusion and unfriending by this girl. Talked to school and parents and it was solved, sorta. Ppl who manipulate and power trip rarely stop...they just get better at hiding it from others. So this year, it is less overt.

Every time my daughter makes a new friend, this girl swoops in and literally steals her. One girl whom my daughter thought was safe to be friends with is someone this bully would mock and tell off, tell her to go play elsewhere with ppl who like her. So my daughter befriended her, and I was there picking up for a playmate when the bully, whom I've know since she was 1, came up and was sugary sweet to this other girl, excluding my dd, and looking at my dd like she was victorious over her. Wth? I couldn't believe how overt the power trip was.

So now my dd plays with her 5-yr-old sister and her friends at recess, and I have no idea what could be done if anything. It hurts my daughter so much. She wonders what is wrong so her, just because someone is jealous or power tripping or whatever.

It strikes me that this is the kind of behaviour that will destroy teens down the line. Nothing is blatantly overt though, no words this year. It is all back turning and subtle sabotage as some girls learn to do so well.

I won't be putting my dd in the same jr high, but she has another 3 yrs at this school.

Any advice? Other than talking to the parents. The dad thinks girls should work it out themselves when stuff happens (wonder if he would feel this way if his daughter were crying herself to sleep or thinking she isn't worthy of friends). The mom would talk to her, but to what end...she will just be more cunning with her nastiness, and that's if the mom agrees its even an issue (one side of the story, and parents are apt to believe their kids). Also, last year this girl lied to her mom and told the truth to the dad, so the mom likely wouldn't get near the truth. Did I mention this girl has always needed to be centre of attention, always had tantrums if she didn't get her way as a kid, and even pits the stepmom against the dad (I'm friends with the stepmom and she has some stories that Highlight just how dangerous and a liar this kid is behind backs).

Any books, advice, anything would help. I feel so awful for my dd, and I worry for her self-esteem and happiness. My goal is to teach my daughter to overcome obstacles this bully creates...to buffer against her games. We can't win against bullies...the girl kinds have great social skills, are adaptable and cunning. They appear really nice on the outside.
Chantalz
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 404
Joined: Sat Jan 15, 2005 7:36 pm
Location: Glanford
Region:

Re: Need advice re girl bully in grade 2

Postby uplate on Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:24 pm

brutal. I hear what you are saying, your poor dd.
Does she have to stay at that school?
It sounds like she is miserable and that no one is helping her.(other than you)
If changing is really not an option what about arranging lots (and I mean LOTS) of playdates with other kids in the class. Put your dd in lots of activities as well so at lease she will have interactions outside of school not plagued by this girl.

Its hard not to think of a bully as evil, but the girl is only 8. She is feeling hurt and anger from somewhere and for some reason thinks it is ok to take that anger and unleash it on your dd.

Can you speak directly to the girl? Tell her that treating your daughter poorly is NOT an option and it needs to change or there will be further action. I have done this. It worked. I think it scared the kid. I was kind but very serious.
uplate
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2012 9:40 pm

Re: Need advice re girl bully in grade 2

Postby Myshkin on Mon Jan 21, 2013 10:07 pm

I don't really have any advice in terms of how to change the behaviour of the other little girl except perhaps to speak to her very seriously as pp suggested.

I think what you can do for your daughter is to help it matter to her less. I would suggest showering her with more attention and connecting at home and with family friends, grandparents, cousins etc so that the perspective changes a bit. If she has a lot of attachments to adults and is accruing her self-worth outside of school then I think she could become less vulnerable to the peer drama--she would likely just care less and in turn she'd be a much less interesting target for the mean girl.

Fwiw I just finished reading "Hold on to Your Kids" by Gordon Neufeld. It was quite enlightening and he addresses some situations/notions that you might find relevant to what you're going through here.
I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
Sir Winston Churchill
User avatar
Myshkin
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 482
Joined: Sat Feb 16, 2008 5:22 pm
Location: Victoria
Region:

Re: Need advice re girl bully in grade 2

Postby Chantalz on Tue Jan 22, 2013 10:08 am

myshkin - thx for the book suggestion. I'll definitely read it. :)

uplate - I thought about changing, but this would be the third change of schools in 3 yrs. Not good. We moved last year so I had to change schools. Also, my other daughter is going to this school, so it would mean uprooting her. I might if it gets worse or doesn't get better though. Just not sure what's best. Ugh.

I do have her in lots of activities though, and I think the Lots of playdates is a great idea. Try to overcome the 'influence' of this other person. I've been doing that and she started forming friendships 3 times since September, and then this girl became best buds with these girls as soon as my daughter would hang with them. Brutal. I can't imagine going through what she's going through.

I don't think of the other girl as evil since I've known her her whole life, but I really just think of her as dominant and angry and aggressive, although in the typical girl passive way. I kinda wish she'd be more like a boy and just be really overt - easy to deal with. She is also likely really insecure and on some level unhappy or jealous, but she's really social and outgoing and good at hiding things. Then again, we do always tend to in a way justify the bullies by thinking this stuff it seems. As though no kids could be outright not nice or just plain mean.

I don't have any illusions that she'll change who she is - she'll just get better and better at hiding it and be more subtle. I just want my daughter to gain the skills necessary to buffer against this (is that even possible?) or to be able to develop a single friendship at school without this really hurtful sabotaging. It's happened with 3 friends so far, and the exclusion is really brutal. It makes my daughter so angry, which plays into the power trip.

Maybe changing schools might not be a bad idea.
Chantalz
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 404
Joined: Sat Jan 15, 2005 7:36 pm
Location: Glanford
Region:

Re: Need advice re girl bully in grade 2

Postby vixx on Tue Jan 22, 2013 11:41 am

Doesn't changing schools just equal running away from the problem? When we were kids there was always a "drama queen" or a "princess" who had to have everything her way and everyone as her friend only and if it wasn't that way she would throw a temper tantrum, stomp her feet, pout, etc etc.

We were taught that it was just her way of being. ignore it. There is no way that every little girl in your DD class is only ever playing with this one girl.

just my opinion
vixx
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 1334
Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2008 3:08 pm
Location: westshore
Region:

Re: Need advice re girl bully in grade 2

Postby kapoohhh on Wed Jan 23, 2013 9:17 am

Just wondering if the Teacher has seen this behaviour of your daughter being hurt ... sometimes a teacher coming forward to the other childs parents can bring it into the light.
Call the Principle and tell him your concerns to keep an eye on her... this is there job to keep all kids feeling safe in school.
If it is not address it will go on. This has happened twice with 2 different children to my shy child. ( I heard the child in middle school had done it to someone in elementary school before ) I am not someone who stood back. Middle school bullying is worse.. Those bullies get stronger if not outed at an early age. This was addressed by the school and me getting involved.
kapoohhh
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 1675
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2006 9:53 am
Location: Saanich
Region:

Re: Need advice re girl bully in grade 2

Postby jessie_2009 on Wed Jan 23, 2013 8:44 pm

Hey! While some might say switching school is running away, who cares! Why on earth should an 8 year old have to be this unhappy at school. I went through this, I begged my parents to let me switch schools, they wouldn't, told me I had to stick it out, and I had a terrible 2 years. I had not one friend, and it gets really lonely. Kids are at school for a long time each day. I would ask her what she wants to do, if she wants to move schools, I would say the sooner the better as the younger you are the easier the transition. Yes she can try to ignore it, yes she can still try to make friends, but the fact of the matter is, sometimes it just doesn't work, especially in a smaller school. If this were happening to my son, I would talk to him about what he wanted. In fact, we were in a similiar situation last year, and he seriously wanted to switch. I told him if that is what he really wanted we would figure it out. We decided together that he would go back in September, see how it went, and if it was terrible again, we would switch schools. Things really changed this year and so far has been so good, but I know I would alsways listen to him about what he wanted, I don't think it's running away to want to try a different place.
jessie_2009
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 1277
Joined: Mon Jan 17, 2005 6:40 pm
Location: Victoria
Region:

Re: Need advice re girl bully in grade 2

Postby Shanny on Wed Jan 23, 2013 10:10 pm

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your daughter :( These kind of things can shape who we are.

I think strategizing with your dd is definitely best. She has changed schools enough to know what that would mean for her so she won't be making that decision blindly.

There is always the chance of her encountering other bullies along the way so hopefully you can help her find something that gives her confidence.

I put my son in self defence as I have the theory that kids are less likely to pick on the kid who can defend himself!
I know with girls it's usually more emotional bullying as opposed to physical but I think feeling strong and having confidence comes across in our demeanour.

I hope you find something that works.

I was also wondering about the girls your dd will befriend and then they will be lured away? Are they then mean to your daughter? Is this other girl popular so they want to go be her friend?
I don't really know what my question is... It just makes me sad that these other kids can be so easily swayed to not play with your dd anymore :cry:
Does she have any school friends?
Shanny
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 1054
Joined: Tue Jan 18, 2005 7:26 pm
Location: Duncan
Region:

Re: Need advice re girl bully in grade 2

Postby Rikki on Fri Feb 08, 2013 3:27 pm

I totally agree with the last two comments, though understand that it's not just that easy to move schools, especially if there aren't many options.

I experienced the same issue when I was in grade school and it was a small school. My sister experienced the same thing too. I wish that there was a way to change the whole passive aggressive female attitude right from the beginning! From my experience I only had one or two real friends until middle school, and then things went straight uphill from there. Family support and out-of-school activities will help boost her confidence and hopefully introduce her to friends away from this other girl.
User avatar
Rikki
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2013 11:36 am

Re: Need advice re girl bully in grade 2

Postby TazDevil on Fri Feb 08, 2013 7:50 pm

OK, well here is some totally different advice from knowing the feelings and minds of little 8 year old girls well.

Girls who feel the most left out, depressed, upset, usually are the ones that retaliate the most with worst behavior. A 'happy" child does not have to pick on others to make themselves feel better.

Have you considered trying a playdate with this "bully" as you call her and a few other girls. Do a Spa day and have say 2 or 3 other girls over. You be there the WHOLE time encouraging positive relations. Positive compliments on how fabulous she looks and how well they are playing together.

Some great ideas are make-up, nails, Michaels has a "make your own make-up kit". Maybe some dress up clothes and do a fashion show.

I have found the absolute BEST way to get girls to play together nicely in school is to build that bond outside of school with a little help from a positive adult. You maybe absolutely surprised at how the negative relationship can turn around with a little positive help and encouragement.
Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected.

Steve Jobs
User avatar
TazDevil
KI(vic) Member
KI(vic) Member
 
Posts: 4988
Joined: Sun Jul 31, 2011 11:06 am


 

Return to Parenting

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

Current Issues

March 2019

Read Now >>

Island Parent Tweens & Teens 2019

Read Now >>

Family Resource Guide 2018

Read Now >>

Upcoming Events


Mar
25
Spring Break Camp
Gordon Head Middle School
Mar
25
Around the World Cooking Camp
Gordon Head Middle School
Mar
25
Badminton Smash and Splash Camp
Gordon Head Middle School
Mar
25
March 2019
SunMonTueWedThuFriSat
  1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31  
<< prev. month next month >>
Newsletter Signup

Join our Newsletter

Sign up now to start receiving the Island Parent Newsletter. It only takes a minute.

Sign up now...

Contest

Excellent Prizes!

Enter now for your chance to win some exciting prizes in our Island Parent Contest! We have new contests often, so check back regularly!