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need advice on a sensitive subject (long)

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need advice on a sensitive subject (long)

Postby anonfortoday on Tue May 07, 2013 11:50 am

I need some advice. I will try to make this post as short as possible but still give the background information and I really appreciate anyone who has the time to read it.

A few years ago my partner was able to make contact with his first DD (DD#1 for clarity)...long story short here...we moved to where she lived to try and be a part of her life. After being there for 3 months DD#2, (my partner and I's daughter together) who was almost 4 at the time, disclosed that DD#1 (5) had touched her privates and that it hurt (those are the words she used.) There had been a few other behaviours displayed by DD#1 that concerned me (I had previously worked with kids from troubled backgrounds so sort of new some warning signs) We spoke to her mother who initially was very concerned that her daughter may have been abused (even claiming it could have been one of her past partners) but after speaking with her family decided it was nothing and that she would be fine. We tried to convince her to get both girls into some counselling to determine if we had anything to worry about or if it was normal kid behaviour and she said she was looking into it.

Fast forward a few weeks and nothing was being done. Admittedly on our end as well...I just didn't know where to go or what to do. I put in a call to Kids help phone to see if what I thought was concerning behaviour would be of concern to a professional. The social worker advised me to no longer let the girls be alone together (which I already was making sure of) and to contact child social services. We did. Again to truncate the length of this post I will omit some of the runaround here, in the end we were told that the behaviour was normal kid stuff and that DD#1's mother appeared to be dealing with it adequately. (by this point DD#1's mom had cut us out of everything and was allowing only minimal visitation)

Fast forward again, we didn't stay long as we could not make things work. And DD#1's mom was no longer interested in having us as a part of her life. We did not pursue counselling for DD#2 as we weren't sure, after being told it was normal kid behaviour, if counselling would be more harmful (making it a big deal as social services said) or helpful. We have had a few visits with DD#1 but nothing of any length and they have always been heavily supervised.

Here we are today and have just noticed some concerning behaviour from DD#2. She has recently started kindy (mid year) and has made some new friends. We have let her play at one friends house on her own a few times and have traded off school pick ups with the parents. Last week there was one day where the father of the other little girl picked the girls up and was 45 minutes late in dropping off our DD. Our DD was acting really strange when she got home and I was freaking out a bit. His explanation was that he went to car wash after school (DD said that her friend thought the car wash was really scary.) Later that night we noticed DD looking a her vagina - this is unusual for her unless she is in the tub - and it was a bit red and puffy . We asked her if everything was ok - she said yes. Had a brief chat about touching and private parts - she said no one has touched hers since the incident with her half sister, we left it at that. She peed in the bed a little that night (which she NEVER does) Last night she had a nightmare about being touched by creatures and showed me that her and some other kids were laying down (and she layed down like she was getting a pap test) and these creatures were touching the kids (she did not say they were touching privates).

So I guess I am looking for some advice as to where to get some help? I am kind of freaking out and don't just want to brush this off. I really don't think I am overreacting but maybe someone can talk me down? Maybe some normal kid play with her friend is triggering some fear because of what happened before? Can parents talk to school counsellors? Where should I go? What should I do?

Thanks for reading and helping if you can.

ps...is this post in the right section?

Edited to add that DD#1 had an aunt who worked in child protection so we felt like our concerns may have been brushed off to maintain the family's good name in the small town. We have since been told that this particular SS office is repeatedly under investigation, although we cannot verify the truth of this.
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Re: need advice on a sensitive subject (long)

Postby Samandemma on Tue May 07, 2013 1:07 pm

You can contact Mary Manning Centre in Victoria. Their ph # is: 250 385-6111 and they are located at 210- 1175 Cook Street.
They have an informative website also.... just google Mary Manning Centre.
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Re: need advice on a sensitive subject (long)

Postby anonfortoday on Tue May 07, 2013 1:38 pm

thank you!
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Re: need advice on a sensitive subject (long)

Postby ashmel on Tue May 07, 2013 5:15 pm

I think this is a VERY important time to listen to your Mommy senses! And I agree with a previous poster that this doesn't sound normal, and also it's my opinion that even if turned out that nothing had happened, it's better to treat it as if it had than to be wrong and have to deal with the outfall later if something did happen. (I hope that's clear)

I'm also wondering if you have made it clear to her that if someone did touch her that it's not her fault, and if she tells you you can make sure it doesn't happen again.

Thank you for reaching out, and I'm sending you lots of support in dealing with this. <3.
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Re: need advice on a sensitive subject (long)

Postby anonfortoday on Wed May 08, 2013 6:45 am

Thank you for the responses. We have definitely had lots of open conversations with her and let her know that everything that happened with her sister was not her fault and that she will never be in trouble for telling us anything. We have told her that it is our job to protect her so we need to know what is happening with her.

I am so glad to hear that not everyone feels this is normal kid behaviour. I honestly thought I was going crazy after being told by social services that it was normal. I continue to second guess myself now because of that and I really don't want my actions to harm my daughter, if it is just me overreacting.

We have actually moved from Victoria but I am going to call Mary Manning this afternoon while DD is in school and see if they can point me towards any resources in Alberta.

Thank you again to everyone who responded.
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