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I need some advice

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I need some advice

Postby OnceHarmony on Thu Sep 12, 2013 9:01 pm

DH has adopted a new rule for DD. It is a rule I don't agree with (trust me, for this question it is not important to know what the rule is :) ). He asked for my support which I told him he has (moral support). He enforced the rule once a week ago and has never enforced it again. He now walks around the house grumbling that no one is listening to him about this rule. He enforced the rule just once and now seems to expect me (who doesn't agree with the rule) to implement it from now on.

What would you do?
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Re: I need some advice

Postby StitchedUp on Fri Sep 13, 2013 2:12 am

What do you mean when you say your husband has your "moral support" with this rule if you have no intention of enforcing it?
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Re: I need some advice

Postby Spectrum on Fri Sep 13, 2013 8:57 am

Sorry, but you've really got me curious. Can I please hear the rule.


When you make rules that he doesn't agree with does he help you enforce them.

I guess if you are both on the united front it would make sence for you to do so.

I am a single parent so I really don't ever deal with this.

P.S. please post the rule.
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Re: I need some advice

Postby kattnipp on Fri Sep 13, 2013 10:34 am

Before I could agree or disagree to support a rule I would have to know the rule. I think if you don't agree with the rule it is important to discuss why and see if there is a compromise. Secondly enforcing a rule that no one helps with is pointless. If you really don't agree if though you want to support him you truly aren't helping you need to support and forget you disagree or just go with not agree and tell him you can't support that rule. If no one is enforcing the rule every time then why bother at all.
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Re: I need some advice

Postby StitchedUp on Fri Sep 13, 2013 11:04 am

I think it was smart of Once Harmony to pose the question without telling us the content of the rule. It forces you to focus on the principle of the thing instead of getting distracted by whether or not you personally think the rule is a good one.
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Re: I need some advice

Postby five-seven-five on Fri Sep 13, 2013 12:10 pm

I think another discussion of the rule is needed. Why does he want it? Why don't you? Can you talk about a modified version of the rule that you would both be willing to enforce? It's always so much easier with both onboard and it's a bit unfair to make one person do all of the work on it.

That being said, it sounds like you are the one that enforces the rules at home. If he thinks telling a child one time is enough, he must let you do it a lot (perhaps without realizing it). Maybe this is a good chance for him to realize just how much reminding needs to happen to have rules work. How many times have you felt no one listens to you? I'm not suggesting that it is "revenge" or "serves him right" but perhaps an opportunity to see things from your side?

I guess the short version of my answer is that more communication is required.
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Re: I need some advice

Postby wonderwoman on Fri Sep 13, 2013 12:25 pm

When he told you about the rule were you let him know you did not agree and would not be enforcing it? Or did you agree with him? You should have been upfront so he was clear on your stance. If he wasn't I'd say talk to him about it now. I don't think a rule will work unless both parents are in agreement.
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Re: I need some advice

Postby brymommy on Fri Sep 13, 2013 1:01 pm

Regardless of the rule, you guys parent together, so you either need to
A) discuss the rule and one of you agree to the other's reasonings and go with or without the rule 100% both ways
B) compromise and come up with something you both agree with and both need to enforce it 100%
C) pick your battles and enforce it for DH's sake until or unless you are able to have a discussion about it and do A or B.

Your husband is just as much a parent as you are and as such should also be allowed to have his say in your DD's upbringing. If you don't agree you discuss it in private. If your DD is owed an apology after you apologize. However if this is important to him then you need to support him 100% and that includes enforcing the rule and whatever the consequence or punishment is if it's not followed. Otherwise it could be sending mixed signals to your DD that she only has to follow mommy's rules and daddy's don't matter. It also pits the two of you against each other and if you are not together on this it could cause other issues.

It doesn't mean you roll over and die on the issue, it means you talk about it. But sometimes I make rules that DH doesn't agree with and he'll back me up 100% until we get a chance to talk about and vise versa.
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Re: I need some advice

Postby OnceHarmony on Fri Sep 13, 2013 4:15 pm

Thank you everyone. You have helped me a lot. :)
I would rather own a little and see the world than own the world and see a little
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Re: I need some advice

Postby TazDevil on Fri Sep 13, 2013 5:34 pm

OK I totally get this and seriously do not need to know the rule because it irrelevant.

I get it because my DH does it too. :lol: He gets into these brick wall parent phases of how kids "should" act where he wants to impose rules that my ADHD DD just cannot manage and the joke is neither can DH except in his idealistic mindset.

Me, I am the realistic one. I know that rules I don't have the energy to enforce 100% of the time do more harm than good so I pick my battles and keep it to those rules impacting the children's growth and serious life lessons.

However sometimes guys are bloody stubborn and have to learn the hard way so there is no point "telling" them it isn't going to work.

Now if DH makes a rule and he wants to enforce it, I will back him. However, I just step out of the enforcement zone.
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Re: I need some advice

Postby OnceHarmony on Fri Sep 13, 2013 10:05 pm

I would rather own a little and see the world than own the world and see a little
—Alexander Sattler
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Re: I need some advice

Postby TazDevil on Sat Sep 14, 2013 12:16 pm

Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected.

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