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Boy wishes he was a girl!

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Boy wishes he was a girl!

Postby OnlyOneMe on Mon Feb 10, 2014 1:32 pm

What would you do?
DS is 6. He has said many times he wishes he was a girl. He primarily plays with girl toys (Barbie, Monster High dolls). He loves to wear blankets as skirts/dresses and dance around or just hang out. He has even taken over my old shirts and made them dresses. He only plays with girls at school as he can't keep up with the boys and doesn't like to play rough like the boys do. There's never been any gun play with him or rough fighting stuff.
DS grew up pretty much with no men around. Im a single Mom and only have women in my family. I have always supported DS in his desire to play with girl things. If it makes him happy, Im happy. Ive explained that its not really normal he plays with girl stuff and kids may make fun of him, but that that doesn't make it wrong. In his home he can do as he pleases.
Now he has it in his head that he is going to wear a dress to my sisters wedding in July. Ive said no, he's a boy and he will not be wearing a dress. I feel bad tho as he is really upset about it. This is the first time Ive ever said that.
I read this thing the other day about an 11 year old boy to committed suicide after being teased for liking My Little Pony. DS is super sensitive, and this is my biggest fear! I don't care if he's gay, or turns out really truly wanting to be a girl. I mean, no mother wishes that for their child but I would be OK with that. Kids are so mean and I feel like he has all this ammo for the bullies. Id hate for him to be crushed emotionally for liking Monster High or something.

Do I stop him from getting girl toys? Do I continue to let him do as he pleases? Im just worried Im setting him up for disaster when all I meant to do was support him for who he choses to be. Ugh…. parenting is so hard!! :?
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Re: Boy wishes he was a girl!

Postby Tay11 on Mon Feb 10, 2014 5:37 pm

This is a tricky issue.
If it were my child I would let them wear whatever they felt like. It is just clothes. But it sounds like you may have a child who identifies as the opposite gender, and that is OK! :D
I would also seek out a professional to help through identity issues for you and your child. It can be hard when you identify as one and the world is forcing you to be another.
You are right that bullying may happen, 90% of bullying is gender bullying.
...but this is changing and the world is a different place then when we were young and Victoria is a very embracing city.

My bigger concern would be the message you could be sending by denying the 'girl' stuff. It could result in him feeling like there is something wrong with him.
There isn't. Keep in mind there truly is no such thing as a girl toy or a boy toy. They are just toys.

There are many books, resources and groups that can offer support and I wish you well in your journey.
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Re: Boy wishes he was a girl!

Postby quest on Tue Feb 11, 2014 1:16 am

I agree with your decision about wearing a dress to the wedding .
At home is fine but until he is old enough understand the full range of how this might be conceived for a sensitive child this might be devastating .
When he's a bit older if he chooses to wear a dress in pubic fine .
You sound like a great supportive mom
Any chance he could wear a kilt to the wedding ,would that work ?
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Re: Boy wishes he was a girl!

Postby StitchedUp on Tue Feb 11, 2014 3:17 am

I love what Tay11 wrote and also think you should suggest a kilt to him if you really can't deal with him wearing a dress to the wedding.
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Re: Boy wishes he was a girl!

Postby Sunnygirl on Tue Feb 11, 2014 7:46 am

He's 6. Dresses are fun. There is a chance that one day he will resent you for letting him wear a dress to a function where there are tons of photos.
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Re: Boy wishes he was a girl!

Postby Mom#1 on Tue Feb 11, 2014 7:54 pm

You sound like a wonderful mom! Good for you for supporting him in his likes even when they don't fit the 'norm'.
In my opinion, the fact that you are a single mom raising a boy and he is surrounded by women doesn't factor into the fact that your son says he wants to be a girl or plays with 'girl toys'. My wife and I are raising two boys in a mostly female community and despite our attempts at encouraging gender neutral toys and having both trucks and dolls, we have two very typical boys that go for the star wars or trucks over tea parties and stuffed animals. Although they did both go through a high heels and tiara phase...
The kilt idea is fantastic - great compromise for the wedding if you are comfortable with it. If not, then I can see pants being easier for everyone but him. Maybe he could choose a shirt or accessories ??
As someone who went through childhood/adolescence 'in the closet', I wish I could have had someone to talk to about things. I had to conform to my parents view on girls (complete with frilly dresses, etc) and can't remember a time when I didn't hate it... Never felt I could express or show who I really was which made life very difficult. As an adult, I look back and feel it would have been easier to deal with being teased/picked on for who I was, rather than for who I was pretending to be in order to meet my parents and our small-town-communities expectations. So with that in mind, if you can, look into some form of counseling for him to give him the explore this.
Good luck!
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Re: Boy wishes he was a girl!

Postby wee_opal on Mon Feb 17, 2014 8:58 am

I agree with previous posters that it isn't because you are a single mom surrounded by women, your son is who he is, who he was born to be!
If it were me, I would let him have whatever toys made him happy, just like if my daughter squealed with delight over a Tonka truck, what ever makes them happy.
As others suggested, a councillor would help him over the bumps, sorting out things in his head. Any help would be a good thing, right? It might help ease your worries too.
Sounds like you are doing a great job!! Being a single mom is hard!
I also like the suggestion of the kilt someone made, that way he gets to wear a 'sorta' dress, even though it isn't what he imagined probably.
Have you looked at books? Maybe him reading a kid-friendly book that makes him feel like he's not the only one?

Good luck!
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Re: Boy wishes he was a girl!

Postby BabyFair on Fri Feb 28, 2014 11:22 am

In October I interviewed Dr. Kristopher Wells about transgender kids on my radio show Real Parenting on CFAX 1070.
Not saying this is what your son is going through necessarily as this can be a very common phase many kids go through. But just thought I would post info about Dr. Wells for other people reading this and interested in exploring this resource.
http://www.ismss.ualberta.ca/
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Re: Boy wishes he was a girl!

Postby Sunnygirl on Fri Feb 28, 2014 1:53 pm

Generally, your decision about whether or not to let him wear a dress should be based on each individual event.... not a cut and dried answer for sure.

Your sister's wedding should be about her and the focus should remain on her. What are your sister's thoughts on the matter?
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Re: Boy wishes he was a girl!

Postby Island-JJ on Sat Apr 19, 2014 11:44 pm

It is really important to make the distinction between "Wishes he was a girl" and "Feels that he really is a girl who has boy parts that don't belong"

Unfortunately, for mostly political reasons, the above two have been lumped together and forced into the "must be accepted and unquestioned" category of political correctness.

In one recent case, this has lead to a very sad ending.

There was a recent case of a "person with two X chromosomes" ie: born as a girl, who was very jealous of her brothers because she(?) felt that her(?) mother and father favoured the boys and that society as a whole favoured boys. She(?) felt that it would be better to be a man.

So, instead of actually addressing her psychological problems, political correctness demanded that her doctors give her a sex change operation and hormones etc... rather than diagnose her with a psychological problem and provide counselling and support.

A few years later, after having surgery and hormones, the person realized that their life hadn't all of a sudden gotten better, despite no longer having breasts or a uterus. They also realized that fundamentally, they were still and had always been a woman and that now when they looked at their body, they felt that they were "a monster".

So, again driven by political correctness, and possibly motivated by their desire to not face their own huge mistake in doing the surgery in the first place, the person's doctors agreed with her(?) request and provided her(?) with physician assisted suicide.

As far as the unfortunate and sad situation mentioned where a child committed suicide over teasing about liking a particular toy. I think the bigger issue is that the child felt so unsupported and vulnerable that they saw suicide as their only escape. If it hadn't been for the teasing about liking the toy, the child likely would have committed suicide over something else because the root cause was not the teasing, it was simply the random trigger.

It's much better to raise a child to withstand and learn to ignore bad behaviour on the part of others than it is to attempt to simply shelter them from those who behave badly because the world is full of people who behave badly and eventually they are going to have to deal with them. (All within reason, of course)
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Re: Boy wishes he was a girl!

Postby OnceHarmony on Sun Apr 20, 2014 8:25 pm

Island-JJ

I just had to Google that and it is a sad story. I must say I'm shocked to learn that Belgium has non-terminal illness doctor assisted suicide.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/0 ... 46106.html
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Re: Boy wishes he was a girl!

Postby muminvic on Wed May 07, 2014 11:11 am

I think that if my son wanted to wear a dress or skirt out of the house I'd let him but I'd first explain that most boys and men do not wear dresses and skirts and that some people may tease him and that can be hurtful.

I like the kilt idea and think that would be cute!

I agree with the others about the counselling and also that raising him as a single mom with only female family members around isn't the reason he's wishing to be a girl or wants to play with girl toys, I think it's more then that.
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