How do you learn best? Much to my frustration, I learn best by making mistakes. So, so many mistakes. Parenting has been no different: promoting healthy eating? No luck. Encouraging socialization? Oops! Establishing healthy sleep habits? Wow, that really didn’t work!
I struggle with self-criticism. I see the good in others, but do not give myself credit for achievements or forgiveness for mistakes. Though I have learned a lot through this self-critical approach, I have not thrived. And so, I am learning a new approach: self-compassion.
Research shows self-compassion is the most effective motivator. As a parent, I offer my children unconditional love, appropriate boundaries, guidance and forgiveness. I want them to grow up in a supportive and caring environment with freedom to make mistakes. So, I wonder, how would my life be different if I was my own supporter and biggest fan? I am excited to learn about self-compassion and start practicing it in my personal life, my professional life and my parenting.
I am hoping you might join me in this journey of self-compassion, especially those of you who are new parents or have young children.
In my career, I have worked alongside many new parents. Parents with new babies can be self-critical and full of self-doubt. It breaks my heart to see parents who are full of love for their young children being impossibly critical of themselves.
Let’s take a break. Let’s breathe in and breathe out.
Here is the secret: you’ve got this. Quite simply, all children need is a safe home, food and water, weather-appropriate clothing and love, all things you provide every day.
But what do you need? Maybe a little judgment-free compassion?
Here are my suggestions to help you let go of the self-doubt and move forward in a healthy way: Notice and be compassionate.
First, notice what feels good.
During your day, what activities do you find nourishing? Do you feel calm and connected when you breast/chest feed your baby? Do you feel cozy and relaxed when you curl up with your toddler to read a story? Do you feel at peace when you sit down for a cup of tea while your preschooler is napping? Do you relish the silence of a quiet house when everyone is finally asleep? Take a moment to notice these feelings and sensations without judgment. You could even write them down if that is helpful.
Second, notice what does not feel good.
During your day or night, what events are depleting? Are you uncomfortable or in pain when nursing your teething toddler? Are you angry, frustrated and upset when your older child hurts your younger child (or vice versa)? Notice these feelings, again without judgment. Your emotions are what they are. Write them down if you like.
Third, practice self-compassion.
At the end of the day, when you are feeling tired and spent, try this: Quickly review when you felt nourished and when you felt depleted. If you like, you can also share these with a partner, family member, friend, counsellor or other health professional. Then, think of five things you are happy about, feel good about or are proud of. This may take some practice, so start small. During the process, imagine you are talking to a close friend—be supportive and encouraging.
Here are some examples to start you off:
• Be pleased that you caringly fed your baby multiple times during the day, allowing them to develop and grow.
• Be proud that you helped your toddler through one (of many) challenging emotional moments.
• Be impressed that you showered today!
• Feel connected as you text a friend.
This is not about being happy all the time or being calm at every moment of your life. It is about learning to feel all your human emotions without judgment, learning to notice those emotions, and learning to give yourself credit for the many things you spend time on during the day.
Self-compassion, try it for a day. And if it works for you … try again another day!
