This can be an incredibly difficult question for parents of children with special needs or a disability to answer.
After a diagnosis, parents require time to process the information, learn about their child’s challenges and reach out to the professionals who can help them.
However, parent often don’t even talk to their children about the information they have learned.
Your child’s challenges are a part of their identity. Their disability effects how they live life day-to-day. They deserve to be part of the conversation.
Although it is important to be thoughtful about how you discuss their special needs with your child, it is crucial that you discuss it.
Learning about their challenges will help reduce feelings of shame, embarrassment or confusion about their thoughts, feelings and actions.
Here are some pointers on how to talk to your child about their special needs:
Getting started
A good way to broach the subject is to read a book together about a child with special needs. Some great options include It’s OK To Be Different by Todd Parr, Uniquely Wired: A Story About Autism and Its Gifts by Julia Cook and Don’t Call Me Special by Pat Thomas.
Books are a great way to start the conversation and find parallels between the characters and your child. Try asking them some questions about the struggles the kids in the book face and whether they have ever felt that way. How did the character seek help? What steps did they take? What did they learn?
Talk about uniqueness
Books are also a great way to open the conversation about the fact that everyone is different—not just those with disabilities. Starting the discussion in this vein can help children feel less isolated and “weird.”
Let them know that everyone has strengths and challenges. Talk about the things you find tricky and tell them it is okay to ask for help when something is difficult for them. Share a success story about the time you reached out for assistance.
Then, point out the things they do incredibly well. We all thrive on positive feedback and knowing they are good at something can sometimes give a child the self-confidence boost they need to overcome a struggle.
Be honest
As parents, we have an innate instinct to protect our children. This can translate to keeping certain aspects of their disability from them. However, being as open and honest as you can with your children will help them process the information and give them the tools they need to talk about their challenges with others. This can help them to advocate for themselves when you are not around, in settings like school.
Make sure you use age-appropriate language and if they ask you something that you don’t know the answer to, be honest about that and work together to find the answer.
Ongoing conversation
As you probably know, trying to learn everything about your child’s disability can be overwhelming. It is best to introduce the topic to your child in a gradual way with small bits of information.
Their challenges will also change and evolve over time, so it is important that you leave the door open to discussion. Let your child know that they can come to you and ask any questions they have about what they are going through.
As they get older, they will be able to understand more about their condition and learn to use more advanced tools to help them cope.
Things to avoid
It is just as important to know what not to say and do when talking to your child about their disability.
Avoid long, complicated conversations with a lot of medical or technical jargon. Although their condition or diagnosis may be very involved, it is important to talk about their challenges as they relate to their daily lives.
Keep conversations simple like, “It is hard for you to sit still for a long period of time, so we are going to use this wiggle seat to help you focus.”
More than anything you want to be there for them to answer their questions, rather than inundating them with too much information and overwhelming them.
Also try to limit the amount of negativity you use when describing their disability. Try to focus on their strengths as much as possible and let them know that you are here to help them solve the problems they are facing. Give them some ownership and let them help come up with solutions as well. Ask them what would help them. We all know kids are more willing to try something when it is their idea.
Creating and keeping an open dialogue about your child’s challenges will help mould their self-image and let them know that they have a support system that can help them when things get tough.
