I wish I wasn’t so irritable at my kids and could be more like how they ask of me.
The fulfillment is astounding; motherhood is the purest state of living that I’ve ever experienced— but loving them is unconditional and it comes with many challenges.
I can be patient and mindfully compassionate to a point— but I can also regretfully snap at my wits end.
I see a lot of posts going around about early childhood trauma and how to speak, act and do better for our children.
I agree that in an ideal world it’s true— we should continually rephrase, nurture and encourage *calmly* regardless of any behaviour.
What I don’t agree with is this implied accusation that we are damaging our children if we don’t adhere consistently to this standard of new-age parenting.
I think all we can do is try and aim for our best every day, but I refuse to feel shame:
For my lack of patience when overstimulated.
For my cyclically-imbalanced mood swings.
For utilizing screen time for sanity.
For the projection of my own childhood wounds that I still need time to heal.
For abrupt frustration when we know the older ones know better and it feels like they’re testing us at a cellular level.
I think we should apologize to them often, and after reflecting, manage those big feelings with compassion as best we can when they come up again
I won’t apologize though, for being a human being in my evolution of parenting—it’s a damn hard Olympic sport.
I think we need more real-life mothers sharing how hard this is all actually is with unapologetic solidarity and a side of forgot-to-gentle-parent.
We need to agree that we all have different levels of tolerance on different days for the exact same behaviour.
We need to know that when we are being tested, that it’s not a time to feel judgment, instead a time to feel seen.
I think we must learn in hindsight and discern teachings from our children; to look at challenges as an opportunity to not repeat history, but also to see our own instabilities as indicators to find more support and seek self-care.
We must know that we don’t always have to do everything right in order to be a good mom. We are, and we need to put ourselves first, too.
I hope this message helps normalize any fear or sadness parents are going through in transitions, especially when other younger siblings are involved.
A Poem for My Eldest
Sometimes I forget how little you are
because of how fast you’ve grown. Sometimes I “expect” too much
considering everything you’ve shown. You are my eldest, so big and so brave. And yet
we’re at a crossroads once more A reality check when time slowed down
and we couldn’t get you out the door. School can be daunting and so can transitions
I see it now loud and clear You need me like they do, that nurturing attention normalizing everything that you fear So I keep in my glovebox this weathered old photo the one they taped up at your cubby Those days I’d drop you off you held on so tightly letting it go was so hard on mommy Then I felt it all flood back in with warm tears and tight embrace my sensitive little boy who’s still in there Mum needed this reminder To slow down and tell you I’m here, I love you your heart, we will repair
