This past summer as I rummaged through some papers (so many papers), I uncovered a beautiful journal that one of my students had gifted me. I flipped it open and saw that only the first few pages were written on. In January of 2020, my eyes bright and with a head full of dreams, I’d inscribed goals with grace for the new year ahead. Most of them were specific creative goals in writing and music.
Well, we all know what happened in 2020.
Three years later, as I stare at these carefully, naively written aspirations, knowing that paltry few of them have been reached or even started, I feel anger boiling up inside. But this rage wasn’t about the truly crappy circumstances of the past several years. I was livid with myself for dropping the ball in such a spectacular way.
I ripped those hopeful pages out and crumpled them into the recycling bin. My inner voice spewed a torrent of chastisement about how lazy, incapable and disorganized I was. To be honest, I kind of took myself aback with the strength of this diatribe. And no, it did not make me feel good.
I would never, ever use these words against someone else. Every day I dig deep to exercise patience (my husband calls me a saint) with my son and I strive to foster his confidence and positive growth mindset skills. Outside of home, I try to assume that other people are doing the very best they can in this world and cut them slack. So, why is it so hard to use this simple kindness with myself?
Possibly some of this can be attributed to my innate perfectionistic tendencies. But regardless of the cause, it needs to stop. It’s harmful. When we know better, we should try to do better. This applies in parenting and should also apply to ourselves.
Beating myself up after perceived “failures” is not helpful. In fact, it’s as counterproductive and damaging as it would be to apply this approach to any child. True, I didn’t complete 95% of the creative goals I set out for myself. But I did do other things during this period with my time and energy. I poured my essence into doing my best to keep our family safe in a difficult time. And into the great “pivot” of figuring out how to educate children and continue my music teaching job meaningfully online.
Even though lockdown is long over, my son is still being homeschooled. I continue to teach music and try my hardest every day to cultivate studio, home, and family atmospheres conducive to thriving.
Keeping all these balls in the air has come at a cost, which is my creative goals, but that is not a failure. It simply means my priorities shifted.
Now that things are (relatively) settling, I find that I miss the spark of excitement that comes with working on creative endeavours. I want to thrive, too.
My current dilemma as the new year draws closer is this. I feel like having clear goals gives me a sense of direction, yet I don’t want to set myself up for “failing” again and fall into another self-deprecatory spiral.
So this time I’m going to go about this differently.
I’ve observed that instead of writing specific goals for the new year, some people write general intentions. Some even pare it down to a single word that encapsulates their desired area of focus and growth. My word for 2024 is “grace.”
Synonymous with kindness, opportunity and understanding, “grace” encapsulates the mind- and heart-set I want to cultivate. Not only my son and others, but especially for myself. To give myself the grace in other areas of my life in order to create space and energy for more creativity. Also, to give myself permission to not always have to produce a tangible product. Small steps instead of lofty ambitions; understanding upfront that somedays I won’t take any steps or perhaps even take a few backward. And that’s okay.
I would be remiss if I didn’t include that grace also refers to gratitude. I am immensely grateful that I have the choice to even be making these kinds of goals. It is a privilege that too many in our world do not have.
My wish for all of the parents out there is that, whatever your goals and intentions for 2024 may be, you can strive toward them with energy, support and also grace. You are worth it.
