The Pain of Growing Up

A child must learn to respect other people’s boundaries and experience life’s growing pains in order to become a responsible caring person. Most young children are demanding. Slowly, as they mature, they learn to deal with frustration and disappointments.

As our expectations regarding behaviour gradually increase, we show less tolerance and children learn to cooperate. If reasonable expectations are not part of the relationship, the child doesn’t develop a healthy awareness of boundaries.

If we are over-submissive:

• We give in to a child’s demands rather than sticking to a healthy limit.

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• We are afraid of losing a child’s love and believe them when they say, “I hate you.”

• We get caught in the guilt/anger cycle and allow these emotions to guide our decisions.

If we are over-submissive, giving in rather than having backbone, the child’s persistence is rewarded and healthy boundaries are argued, debated and challenged until the parent gives in. This is spoiling and the child will suffer as their friends, teachers and people outside of the family won’t tolerate this.

When spoiled children grow up, they equate love from others with giving in to them and genuinely feel unloved and unwanted if their demands are not met. They infringe on the rights of others without being aware of these rights. It is difficult to learn about boundaries as adults when they should have been learned in childhood.

What to do:

Don’t sweat the small stuff. This stops you from getting into debates about things that don’t really matter. Instead, think about your bottom line. What matters?

Give a child empathy when they experience disappointment about a reasonable limit without rescuing or giving in.

Notice qualities in your child such as consideration and regard for others. Point out the positive impact this has on others.

Value your own personal boundaries by paying attention to your feelings of irritation. Those feelings might be telling you something.

Set clear, reasonable limits that reflect the needs of others such as safety, privacy, respect for things and contribution.

We don’t spoil a child with love, but we can spoil a child if they are taught to believe that the world ought to give them what they want no matter what the cost is to others. Limits that really matter are about how we treat others and safety. This is love in action.

Dr. Allison Rees
Dr. Allison Reeshttp://www.lifeseminars.com
Dr. Allison Rees is a parent educator, counsellor and coach at LIFE Seminars (Living in Families Effectively). lifeseminars.com.