It’s hard to negotiate with a teenager when they don’t even like the sound of your voice. Even your breathing can be annoying! So how on earth are you going to get to the brainstorming phase of resolving an issue?
When my daughter was 15 she announced to me that she wanted to go to a party where there were drugs and alcohol and no adults. Gulp. At this point, after years of parenting her, I knew that this persistent young women wouldn’t go along with anything that 1) threatened her autonomy and 2) was about my fear and needs. Actually, she was completely allergic to my needs and thought I was a paranoid freak.
Thanks to having just taught a conflict resolution workshop the night before I blurted out the following. “What about this is important to you?” Meanwhile my heart was pounding. I felt like saying, “Are you nuts? What makes you think I’d say yes to anything like this?”
She told me about all the cool people that would be there and that she was excited to be invited. I knew I had to listen to her and do my best to hold up her needs because this really was important to her.
Negotiating With Your Teenager
Any time we discuss a prickly issue with our kids, we have to connect with their feelings and needs first. For one thing, it role models respectful communication and it also takes them out of feeling defensive.
If they know you at least understand how they feel and why they feel that way, they might be interested in seeing the discussion through to the end. That doesn’t mean that they stand and listen to you pontificate, lecture or moralize! It means that you briefly explain what your needs might be and how you feel.
I told my daughter that I was concerned about the situation and how it could get out of control. I let her know that her safety and well-being were important to me. Naturally, she rolled her eyes but that I could ignore. She most likely wanted to hear some form of protest or concern from me because she knew that her annoying mother cares for her.
We stood there staring at each other. I couldn’t think clearly because it just seemed like this wasn’t going to end well until out of my mouth popped parenting guru Barbara Coloroso’s great line, “Convince me.”
Ahh yes. My daughter wanted this freedom, why did I have to do all the work? It was up to her to convince me that she was ready for this responsibility. If you can convince me that you have a plan to stay safe and that you can handle this, I’m willing to figure this out with you.
She started coming up with some ideas.
“What else?” I asked.
Never be afraid to ask that question ten or more times, it’s amazing what great ideas can be squeezed out of a person.
This was brainstorming at its finest because my determined daughter was able to be the boss of herself, the one person she wouldn’t argue with and who made sense to her. We actually came up with a plan that I could live with although I still wished she just wouldn’t go!
Parenting a teenager can feel a little wishy washy and it would be nice just to say “no” and have them respect our limits but in reality, it might not be that great after all. Don’t we want our kids to think for themselves? Did it work when our parents took all the control? How did you respond to that? I just got good at lying and climbing out the basement window. I didn’t want that for my kids but it was hard, I had no solid proof that this was the right thing to do.
Looking back now I realize that this was one of the most important pieces to keeping my kids safe and helping them navigate through the toddler years of adulthood. I had to be their consultant, their coach, not the boss. This approach taught assertiveness and preserved a close relationship between us. It didn’t always feel right but what does when you go through some of these typical challenges of raising teens?
