So, the honeymoon’s over. You no longer cling to every word that your partner says with that same kind of openness and positivity. Dynamics have changed as you’ve gone from the role of partners to the role of parents. There is so much to do and getting your needs met is difficult during this time.
It can help to think of the three legs of a milking stool: couple care, self-care and childcare. The idea is that to have balance, you want to keep each leg at the same length. Of course, this changes when you have young children. Child-care is constant with young ones leaving you little time for yourself and each other. However, you need to be mindful of your self-care and couple-care while balancing everything that comes along with parenting.
Parenting
With parenting, we need to monitor our expectations. Do you think you can stay calm and carefully measured with your skills when you are sleep deprived or dealing with typical, challenging behaviours in your children? If you believe this, your inner critic is going to have a field day and that will spiral you into the guilt/anger cycle. Your guilt will have you trying harder to be nicer to your children and spouse. Guess what? Being nicer doesn’t always work, it can just confuse your child, so they go further outside the boundaries. Then, you go from frustrated, to irritated, to doing that thing that you swore first thing in the morning, you wouldn’t do (yelling, perhaps). Then, you feel guilty again and around it goes.
It may be time to correct your thinking, figure out what level of maturity is expected for your child’s age and combine that with information about your child’s unique temperament. This will give you more peaceful perspective:
• My child is dealing with stress the only way they know how.
• This is typical immaturity, it’s a stage that will pass.
• I can handle this and even add a little fun and humour to the situation.
Couple-care
If you are parents with young children, there is a good chance that the couple-care leg of your stool is a nub. This is one of the more challenging times in a relationship and standing back to acknowledge this is important.
Your appraisal of one another can quickly turn negative when stress and fatigue are ongoing. Did you know that we all fall into typical behaviours in our intimate relationships when we are stressed? Think of the last time you felt spent, did you notice that you had some critical thoughts about your partner? This sounds like an easy thing to be aware of; it isn’t. We can be annoyed by one thing and completely focus on our partner’s shortcomings. Be on the lookout for this destructive trickster, it’s powerful.
What is the story you are telling yourself? It is often speckled with ways your partner has fallen short; this creates a heavy load of toxic resentment. Observing the situation for what it is can stop you from being absorbed by it.
How to keep your relationship leg standing strong:
• Correct your narrative. Change the story to something more peaceful, kinder, and toss the coin to the positive.
• Create a ritual. Something easy you can do every day without fail. Perhaps eye contact and a 30-second hug first thing in the morning and when you see each other at the end of the day. Kids may be clinging to your leg as you do this. What a great message for them to see you showing up for each other this way.
• Talk carefully and purposefully when you are having a difficult conversation. Take the time to really listen. What is your partner feeling? Why do they feel this way? Don’t argue, just listen. Clarification can come later when it’s your turn to talk.
• Tell your partner what you want rather than complaining, criticizing or throwing the blame ball. Be specific. What exactly would you like your partner to do? Yes, you do have to ask, people don’t read minds.
• Watch your body language. What is your face saying? Is your tone condescending? Aggressive? Soften that, people can’t hear you when they feel threatened.
• Take the time to acknowledge the little things and show appreciation. Without being phony and insincere, stop to notice those everyday things. We all want to have a sense that we are appreciated, accepted for who we are and to be given affection. Affection goes beyond the physical, it conveys a sense of adoration. We grow our self-esteem within the loving gaze of a caring other.
• You already know one or two little things your partner would love. You know this person and what has meaning for them, and yet when you feel dried up yourself, it’s hard to give. Do those things for a week and see what happens.
Nurture your coupledom and know this is a stage that will pass.
